Helena Cueto H: The Word as a Weapon, Silence as a Scar

 1. In your books you recount deeply personal and painful episodes. What led you to decide that they should leave the intimate sphere and become literature?

 They say I am very brave for giving voice to what society and family make us keep silent out of shame…

I was invited to the presentation of a woman who had written about her traumas through poetry. I loved listening to her, and that was the button that detonated the bomb I carried inside… I was already prepared to tell my shames and that guilt I had carried inside me since I was six years old… I tell the raw reality. There is no poetry in my story, but there is a lot of love, empathy, kindness, temperance, pain, the tearing of the soul—but with a smile the burden is eased…

 It is time to keep our inner demons in check.

 2. Paz is the alter ego that leads your stories. What part of you still identifies with her, and what part has managed to leave that past behind?

 That girl still lives within me. I still get emotional over very simple things, such as an unexpected hug, kind words from someone who appreciates you, jumping in a puddle, or meeting someone who happens to be wearing the same piece of clothing as I am—or vice versa… 

 The other day I went out for a walk. I was thirsty and needed to use the restroom, so I went into a small tavern. There was a beautiful blonde woman there, dressed very classically, wearing the same sandals as me. We were yin and yang… I so gothic and she in a casual style… Out of nowhere we hugged each other and began laughing, saying we have such good taste. We included everyone around us, spreading our unexpected joy. Those are the things that help me not lose that girl within me…

 What I left behind was the fear of being judged or reprimanded, that feeling of guilt and responsibility that was assigned to me without warning.

 3. When writing about sexual violence and abuse, what is the greatest challenge you face as an author and as a woman?

 Being judged and criminalized, as society and institutions often do. With Paz en busca de su inocencia I couldn’t sleep. I had constant nightmares until I received the first reviews… they were fabulous and that gave me the strength to release the second installment of the trilogy: Paz en busca de H. Seeing the acceptance the books have received, how they help those who have gone through—or are living through—such situations, and how they help prevent adolescents from being forced into anything, simply allowing them to grow naturally and be themselves while learning to name certain actions they should not accept or commit… Naming things helps enormously in not feeling guilty for events that are not our responsibility

 4. You have said your books are a tool to empower other victims. What kind of reactions or messages do you usually receive from readers?

 (Smiles) They tell me not to stop writing. They want to continue growing and continue naming and setting limits to situations that should not be normalized but that nowadays are normalized.

 Children are children. They should not be shaped into sexual learning or experiences at such a young age—that is not their role, and it is something that is often discussed on television. Let children continue their growth in a personal, naïve and innocent way without adults pushing them to grow sexually before their time… the most beautiful thing they have is their innocence. It is corrupted because of adults… when our role in their lives should be protection, education, giving them tools that help them grow without fear but with caution, giving them security and trust so they can always turn to an adult without being judged… We must teach from understanding… sometimes we forget that we were once children too…

 One day they will choose their path and will need large and strong wings to fly as far as their dreams can take them…

Each child is a world of their own and has their own time to mature. As they grow and develop, they will discover their body, their tastes, their sexual inclination… without any adult needing to interfere. That is what puberty is for.

Children need to play, laugh, have fun, study, do sports. In short, be children.

 I hid my sexuality until I was well into my thirties. I had a relationship with a woman and disguised it as friendship. My second relationship with a woman I did not hide. Whoever loves me must accept that I believe in love without condition or distinction of sex… With my books, some people have corrected behaviors toward their children because they were not aware of the traumas that certain words or behaviors can cause in minors. We must speak to them with affection and respect, validate their emotions, allow them to express themselves freely. We must protect their innocence.

 5. Your style is direct and uncompromising. Do you fear that your rawness may make people uncomfortable, or is that discomfort precisely what you seek to provoke?

 We must feel uncomfortable in order to grow. We must leave the bubble each of us creates in order to move forward. That discomfort is what helps us grow feathers to spread our wings.

 6. What did you discover about yourself during the process of writing Paz en busca de su inocencia and Paz en busca de H?

 That I am a person with little discipline but a lot of perseverance, that even though I distract myself and postpone my obligations, I still achieve my goals. I put a lot of dedication, effort, and love into everything I do. I am a beautiful chaos… hahaha… in short, I am quite messy although every day I try to be more disciplined and respect schedules.

 7. Beyond denunciation, do you believe your books are also an act of personal justice?

 Personal and social.

 Victims, the moment we walk into the courtroom, are already being judged—by how we are dressed, our makeup, how we speak, everything. Before opening our mouths we are already guilty or innocent. In my case, in the last trial I had, my lawyer called me one hour before it began. She told me that if I did not say exactly everything just as I had stated in the complaint, I would be sentenced to pay the legal costs. My lawyer told me: you are still in time to withdraw the complaint, or if you prefer, testify. You can imagine my emotional state when I heard that… disbelief. I was already sentenced before the trial even began.  He was acquitted due to lack of evidence. Not the photos, not the audio recordings, not the witnesses were enough—not even the three times he violated the restraining order…

 That was the justice I received. It is true that although institutions are correct, some of their members are not perfect and sometimes certain members may incur practices that are not entirely correct. However, despite being aware of this, I still have full faith in justice and in institutions that seek to defend victims, even if some aspects still need improvement.

 8. You are working on a third work that promises to be even more courageous. What new aspects of your story or of yourself do you intend to address?

My addiction to sex… being abused in childhood and adolescence caused me, in adulthood, to use sex as an escape valve. It led me to have unhealthy relationships. In my case it was not that I desperately sought sex with anyone. That addiction was caused by the abuse I suffered from several partners I had. I entered an excessive and uncontrollable spiral… It was very frustrating and harmful to me and to my mental health.

 9. How do you manage the balance between your private life and the media exposure that comes with sharing your testimony?

 My privacy is very protected. No one knows what I do or do not do at every moment.  I have shared many aspects of my life to help and protect the lives and health of those who read my story. But things happen to me every day. Through social media I only share things that can help heal wounds—things of value. But I am not someone who reveals my private life, my travels, tastes or company. That is part of me and my closest circle. Whether I cry, laugh, or am unhappy is something I like to protect.

 10. If you could choose a single mark for your books to leave on readers, what would it be?

 Resilience.

 It is so important for victims to leave that role behind and shine again.

11. When did you discover that writing was not only cathartic but also a form of social commitment?

 In 2023… I turn 49 on July 3, and I have been writing since I was ten years old. I used several pseudonyms out of shame to express my feelings. In fact, I have a Facebook profile I have not been able to recover but it is still active: Sylesia Adams. There I expressed all my darkest feelings…

 12. What inspires you to keep writing about such painful topics, even knowing you relive part of your past on every page?

 The truth I carry inside, the one I kept silent for decades out of fear and shame… Now my path is smoother. There are still bumps, and sometimes falls are necessary so that we can continue shining with greater intensity.

 13. Is there any scene in any of your books that you still cannot reread without pain?

 The death of my grandfather.

 Just speaking about him makes me cry… I could not say goodbye to him and that still weighs on me today. Farewells are important… at least for me… it is necessary to close doors in order to open others.

 14. What do you think about the role of literature in denouncing sexual violence and helping repair the lives of victims? Do you believe books can change mentalities?

 They can change the mentality and behavior of people who are aware of their shadows and imperfections. Those who go through life believing they do everything right and who know they leave emotional corpses behind—those people do not change.

 My books are directed toward those who want to learn to unlearn what they have learned. That is, behaviors that perhaps were accepted in childhood but are obsolete in adulthood. We are unique and unrepeatable individuals. We may resemble each other in some ways, but we are not the same. We resemble our parents but we are not them. In the end, we are the owners of our paths and responsible for our words and actions.

 15. Beyond the writer and the survivor, who is Helena Cueto H in everyday life? What brings you peace or joy each day?

 In my daily life I go grocery shopping almost every day. I still have a phobia about interacting with people because of the episode I experienced in January this year. One of my friends of many years raped me without hesitation. Physically he caused a tear and an anal fissure, and psychologically he left me paralyzed… Since then I have returned to psychological and psychiatric therapy. Fortunately, I have many tools to get out of this nightmare as soon as possible. For that reason my refrigerator is empty and I buy food every day. I follow a strict meal schedule to eat properly, something I have been doing for a month. I had gained fourteen kilos because of my post-traumatic stress and now I am recovering my weight again.

 I am becoming my own best friend again instead of my destructive friend. I still avoid places with too many people, but little by little I will return to living the life I had before January. I find peace in nature—in that silence where you only hear the animals that inhabit the countryside, the breeze moving the foliage of the trees…

 And with my three cats: Sade, Salem Ragnar and my jackdaw Raven. They accompany me every day. Of course my daughters, even though they are now independent women, give me both peace and worry… because their emotions and pain become mine. I accompany them along their path until I see them spread their wings again. My family is my refuge.

 As I said at the last presentation… I am not against men! The men in my life are heroes, starting with my maternal grandfather, my uncles, cousins and of course my brother. In the end, there is a little piece of each of them within me… and what can I say about the women in my family—they are warriors.

That is why I write my name with an H. It is a tribute to the heroes and heroines of my family.

 At the end of the event, Helena embraced a reader who was crying silently. No words. Only heartbeats. There, among shared tears, it became clear that her books are not ink on paper, but tools to unearth truths.

 As she herself says:
 “I endured so that others would not have to do it alone.”

 That night, Madrid was not witnessing a book signing, but an act of poetic justice. Helena Cueto H no longer writes from pain; she writes from the trench. And her battle, dear readers, has only just begun.